Salad? Really?

This week, I had lunch with a friend.  Just an everyday lunch, nothing special.  About every 3 weeks or so we decide to have lunch.  It's pretty cool because he works downtown and I normally have a day off during the week.  So when we decide to connect, I have a great early morning.  I get up, take the kids to the bus stop, run some errands and get a ticket on the Light Rail...

Stop.

The Light Rail is a pretty awesome experience for a people watcher.  There are many people to watch on the Light Rail.  Both ends of the spectrum.  There are business professionals and students.  There are rich people and homeless.  There's people who work for the Light Rail and people who bring on their bike for no apparent reason.  Totally worth watching.

Hold on.

I meet up with my friend and we try to determine a place to eat.  Look, the Tilted Kilt is cool - unless you eat there 8 times a year and once in a while you get the pregnant server (not that there is anything wrong with that).  We decide on Earl's - an upscale grill in LoDo.

Wait for it...

Menus come (that's what she said).  We order.  Both of us order SALADS as the side instead of fries.  Salad? Really?

Here it comes...(do I need to say it again?)

Right, salad.  The salad was awesome.  In fact, it was better than the sandwich I had.  My friend even said, and I quote, "If salads at home tasted this good, I would eat it at every meal."  He also said, "This salad is about 1000 calories, I'm sure."

My friend, I say, "Yay," and "Nay!" to your thoughts.  The great salad that we had was not only easy to make and good for you - it was also way below 1000 calories...Below is my recipe for the Earl's Mixed Field Greens Salad with an Apple Cider Vinaigrette:

4 cups of Dole Spring Mix (40)
2 tbsp. of diced or julienned Granny Smith apples (25)
2 tbsp. of feta cheese (60)
2 tbsp. of candied walnuts (95)
2 tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinaigrette (98)

Mix to combine and enjoy.  I guarantee this 318 calorie salad will be something you enjoy.  In fact, you might even be able to run 40 minutes on the treadmill for 'free' calories...

Now that you have read this post, I recommend that you 'right click open in new tab' on all of the links...

Good Luck.

RIP - The Office...

OK.  The Office was funny.  I couldn't wait to watch the next episode - back in the day.  In fact, I actually felt that Michael Scott and I had a cosmic connection.  He was a sad, lonely manager and the coolest place he was - was at work.  (The connection was that we were managers AND cool - that was it.  I promise.  Sad and lonely had nothing to do with it...)

Anyway, along with John Wooden and Ronnie James Dio - The Office is dead.  It just isn't funny anymore.  I try, really I try.  I still watch every episode - hoping, PRAYING, for something to make me laugh out loud. Seriously, I'm not expecting "Eddie Murphy - Delirious" laugh out loud funny; just "Steve Martin - Comedy is not Pretty" funny.  I can't get it - no matter how hard I try.

You know what's funny?  Modern Family.  It's funny.  I tried not to like it because PPYSM likes it, but it's funny.  You know what else is funny?  Shit My Dad Says is funny.  The William Shatner sitcom.  It makes me laugh out loud.

Not Eddie Murphy out loud, just Steve Martin out loud.

Hello?

Look.  I know it has been 10 days since my last blog post.  I have been through a lot lately.

Looks like I need a new roof. ' Aww..,' you might say. .. Hey, do you own a house?  If you don't - then, "C your C."  Don't know what that means?  I dare you to ask me in the comments.  Since Kilzer is the only one that even knows that I blog (because I text him) - I doubt anyone will ask what CyC is.

Look, just my deductible is a grand.  Do you have an extra $1,000 lying (should it be laying? [my mom is a dead English teacher, I should know - right?]) around?  No, of course not. 

Whatever.  My life, now after Party City, isn't so bad. 

At least I don't live at the corner of KITCHEN ("Pretty groovy thanks, and yourself")DICK and WOODCOCK.

Attention C to the A to the M, it only took me 7 minutes to post.

Good night, Bob.

Big Bob Guccione, founder of Penthouse in the mid 60s, died today.  He made a bunch of money selling skin.  Albeit none from the male cameltoe - god know what that is.

Sleep well, Bob.  Many teenage boys, in the 80's, appreciated all of your hard work.

Screw Hefner.  You do good job.

Really?

Just watched 'Atomic Tom' on YouTube.  You might have too - if you are interested in alternative music. 

Here's my problem.  This can't be hard.  I know that 13lack IB can do this type of viral marketing.  It is possible.  It might have a little investment - we need at least 6 iphones and 4 hand held cams - but it can be done. Oh, we will need an airline ticket from Hawaii to Denver...

Anyway, I think that the first RTD single should be 'Spider, please.'

BTW - wouldn't you have stolen their iphones AND their instruments?

Many, many things of import

It has been a while since I have posted anything important.  Today, I will throw some instant thoughts...

Bought Iron Man 2 today. On blu-ray.  Of course.  Watched it - twice.  Great movie.  Can't wait for Cowboys and Aliens.  Or Thor, for that matter.

Quit Party City today.  Pretty big deal.  Worked too many hours, it was crazy.  Thought it was cool...until they 'missed' my payday - today.  Assholes.

Had Christian's second 'secret' football practice today.  'Secret' means adults bring beer to the park.  I have no idea what they mean.

From what I hear, the weather in Mobe was great this week.  Some folks had an opportunity to see the Delicate Arch from some pretty unique angles.

Chiefs are 3-0 going into their bye week.  They have two weeks to get ready for the Larry Bird led Colts.  The only thing I know is that they won't lose this Sunday...Sorry Bronco fans.  I really think that you need to beat the Titans to salvage your season.

Ate lunch today at The Tilted Kilt.  Thanks Mike Bliss.  The steak sandwich was OK, but the view was - how should I say - full.

Still working on the hummus recipe.  I am having a problem because I don't have a food processor - only a 'blend stick.'  Pretty sure that the food processor is an important part of the process - pardon the pun.

Had a mouse in the house (that's what she said!).  Sarah made me put one of those 'let the mouse go in and eat the peanut butter and the you can slide the top off and let the mouse out' traps.  In fact, put out two.  Oops, forgot to check them frequently.  Mousemummy located in the trap behind the art cart.  Note to self, check 'humane' mouse traps more frequently.

I only have about three times a year to impress Kilzer with some unedited Howard Stern.  Thanks Howard for missing the mark - again.

More soon.

Make way for Hummus!

Hummus is an appetizer made from chickpeas (GROSS!) or if you are familiar with the Ponderosa salad bar (That salad is MUSHROOMY!) - chickpeas.

Hummus sounds bad, heck is even...dun, dun, dun! ARABIC!

PPYSM loves hummus, and for that simple fact - along with the fact it is a staple for Al Queda (thanks Homeland Security for linking to my blog!) - it seems gross.

But, 4 friends that read my blog.  Hummus is good.  If you close your eyes, it tastes just like bean dip.  Who doesn't like bean dip?

My goal this week - get a good, simple recipe for 'Bean' dip that everyone will enjoy.

In true Alton Brown fashion (for you Desiree), I will get a cool, delicious 'Bean' dip recipe that even Kilzer could make.

Stay tuned!

Obit Redux

Well, Robert Schimmel died yesterday.  Pretty sad.  He was super funny.  I always thought that if I ever went into stand up, I'd be like Robert Schimmel.  He had a tough life.  Divorced his first wife, got cancer twice, married his daughter's best friend, found out she was cheating on him, had a heart attack, needed a liver transplant, moved back in with his parents, his mom died, then he dies from his injuries from a car crash when his daughter was driving. 

Stupid women drivers.

My New Best Friend

One can say that I have had many Best Friends over the years.  Jonathan Goforth, Jay B. Brown, Mike Stathopoulos, Ed Hancock, Captain Morgan, You Porn - maybe even Mike Kilzer, but you can't be best friends with someone who already has a best friend...  Anyway, I have a new Best Friend - http://www.channelsurfing.net/

I was looking at some posts on the Chiefs website and some people were wondering where to pickup the Chiefs games out of market.  As I am sure you are aware, I had to DVR the Chiefs preseason game against the Buccaneers that the NFL Network showed 3 full days after the actual game.  Anyway, one guy said that he watched games on http://www.channelsurfing.net/. 

It peaked my curiosity, so today I went to the site.  It was OK.  All day I watched looped episodes of The Office - full screen, albeit in VHS quality.

Tonight, I clicked on the Chiefs game and got to watch the full game, with no commercials (they block them out) in full screen, albeit in VHS quality.

Wow, my new Best Friend.  Thanks http://www.channelsurfing.net/!

Oh, BTW, don't click on the girl that "wants to talk to you."  She's not real.

Now that's weird...

So, I'm watching the Chiefs preseason game that I recorded today.  The Chiefs were playing the Bucs.  Josh Freeman is Tampa Bay's QB.  Kilzer might remember Josh Freeman, he committed to Nebraska and then decided to go to K-State instead.  He played 3 years in Manhattan then decided to go pro.  He was drafted #17 overall, last year.

Anyway, I hear the broadcasters say that Josh Freeman was born in Kansas City (Hey, I'm from Kansas City...).  Then they say that he went to Grandview High School (Hey, I went to Grandview High School!).

That's weird, I don't remember a Josh Freeman in high school   Why don't I remember a Josh Freeman in high school?  "Well, John, there aren't any 42 year old quarterbacks in the NFL," you might say.  Oh, really?  Say that in Minnesota, fool.  What you should have said was, "Well, John, there aren't any 42 year old quarterbacks - that were drafted in the 2009 draft." 

Anyway, I was interested, so I did a little research on Josh Freeman.  Yes, indeed, he is from my alma mater, Grandview High School - home of the Bulldogs.  Also, he won the Simone Award for the best high school football player of the year in the Kansas City Area in 2005.

You know who else won the Simone Award? 

Kenyon Rasheed.  In 1987.  He ended up going to Oklahoma.  Played for the Giants for a couple of seasons.

I played against Kenyon Rasheed in little league.   It was in basketball, though. 

I wondered what Kenyon Rasheed is doing now and saw this link.

It's Kenyon Rasheed's birthday today.

Now, that's weird.

The Illinois Railroad

Slowly but surely, this is becoming a political blog.  It wasn't my intention. 

Anyway, you may have heard the story of Impeached Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich. 

In a nutshell, he was the Governor of Illinois when Obama was elected President.  By the rules of the Constitution, when a Senator leaves office in mid-term, the Governor of the state selects the replacement.

During this 'selection process,' Blagojevich is wiretapped by federal agents.  He is recorded trying to find the best deal for a person that wants this coveted Senate seat.

The Feds come out and - you might remember this - hold a press conference that they are going to arrest the Governor.  They were literally yelling during this press conference - calling it “a political corruption crime spree," noting the despicable crimes committed by "Blago."  He was indicted on 24 counts of bribery, extortion and corruption by a public official.

Blago professed his innocence and he went to trial.  The federal goverment spend $30 million dollars on his trial.  Prosecution presented their case for 28 days...the defense presented no witnesses.

Today, after 14 days of deliberation, the jury came back with a verdict - guilty on one count.  Lying to a federal official.

Granted, lying is a bad thing.  You are a bad person if you do it.  Shame on you. 

I don't know, just seems like a raw deal for Blago.  Being from Illinois, that's really all I can expect from its Executive leadership.  The last 4 Governors are either in jail or retired in disgrace.

Pretty sure Cherilyn Peniston or Jeffery Schitter would do a better job anyway.

UPDATE

Didn't take long for The Man to respond.  I guess there was a lot of 'jury deliberation...'  Check it out here.

Primary Day in Colorado - Vote Peniston...and Schitter!

As I was driving to work a couple of weeks ago, amid the myriad of election signs - Maes, McInnis, Buck, Norton (in my lengthy parenthetical statement, I will note that if election signs were legal in Hawai'i, they would read Kilickiame, Wa'u'u'u'u'u, Putate and Chapman ), I saw one lone sign in the parking lot of the Hiccups Tavern at 62nd and Sheridan (the corner of Haiaiah and Ooooooooooooooou, for others) was very simple - Vote Cherilyn Peniston District 35.

Look, whether Cherilyn was born a Peniston or married into the Peniston family - this woman has balls.  Pun intended.  I'm pretty sure that her name is pronounced (penn us tun) rather than (pee nis tun) - whatever the way this lady has overcome initial prejudices to be elected as a member of the Colorado Legislative Unit.  For that reason, I personally endorse Cherilyn Peniston for re-election to the Colorado State Legislature.


After researching this candidate and following the election tonight - I found another candidate in another district that I would like to support...In District 1, I support Libertarian candidate Jeff Schitter.

I am pretty sure that he won't allow this state to go down the toilet.

He's going to wipe up the competition.

He stinks, but the capitol building is stinkier.

He may be full of it, but he knows where it's going.

Any more thoughts for their campaigns?

Mmmm.

My new favorite soda...Diet Cherry Vanilla Pepsi.  It tastes like a heavy red cream soda.  Red Cream Soda brings a lot of memories for me.  I spent many a night - watching TV (not to be confused with Tee Vee), eating Taco flavored Doritos

 (that's another blog) and drinking Red Cream Soda.

If Mike Kilzer liked Red Cream Soda, he'd say it was 'dope.'

Anyway, if you have a chance - pick up a 20 oz. of Diet Cherry Vanilla Pep-suh.

It's dope.

By the way, there is a Taco Dorito Facebook Page- if you're interested...

Camping Tee Vee

When there is nothing to do in camp, there is always Tee Vee.  This last camping trip, there were a couple of cool channels.  There was the HippieDude Channel, the DoucheBag Soccer Channel, the Guess Who's Deaf Channel, the Camping Church Channel and The Who's Going to the Bathroom Channel.

Who doesn't like Camping Tee Vee.

There oughta be a law...

I am not sure if I can quite put the experience into words, but I will try.  My attempt will have many 'breaks.'  Here goes..

At work, I had an opportunity to help a family with invitations for a quinceanera.  The family consisted of the Great Grandma (about 45 years old), the Grandma/Mom (about 30 years old) and the daughter, who was going to celebrate her 15th birthday in September.  Oh, by the way, there was also a double stroller with two kids it it - both in diapers - one belonged to the Grandma/Mom and one belonged to the Soon-To-Be-15-Year-Old.

The G/M asked me to print these invitations.  So, I did.  It takes about 20 minutes to print 30 invitations. 

While I was standing there watching the printer print, 14 year old has an argument with G/M.   She wants to order WEDDING invitations, too.  G/M says, "No, not yet.  Your man isn't in the NBA, yet."

At that point, G/M and Great Grandma have a discussion about the BabyDaddy.  How good he is at basketball, how much child support he is going to be able to give, etc.

Great Grandma was disgusted - as was I.  The discussion gets heated until the Grandma/Mom said,

"Look, Mama, she is just doing what Iverson's wife did.  Marry him young, then get all his money.  My baby is smart!"

Really?  There oughta be a law...

RuDad

I spent my vacation at Scout camps with both of my sons.  Nick at Boy Scout camp and Christian at Cub Scout camp.  Two different places, one across the street from the other.  Last Sunday, I went with Nick to his camp.  The camp was overbooked, so our troop had to bring our own tents.  Of course, I brought my single person, backpacking tent.  It is a really good tent, pretty roomy - but you can't stand up in it.  As always, I packed my clothes in my duffle (sp?) bag - using this bag also as my pillow.  My plan was to pack my clothes for the three days that I was with Nick, drive back home, pick up Christian and go to his camp. 

On the last day at Nick's camp, I woke up that morning and put on my clothes for the day - t-shirt and jeans.  I proceed to change my clothes.  In this tent, you have to lay down to dress - like I said, you can't stand up.  I put on my pants and they were SO TIGHT.  I was pretty mad at myself.  How could I hike 10 miles every day and GAIN WEIGHT?  Oh, God, they were tight.  I left my tent and started to pack my car before everyone woke up.  Very tight, strangulating my bowels, so tight. 

I make it back to camp and have to go to the bathroom.  On the way to the bathroom, I tried to put my keys in my pocket.  My fingers only went down to my second knuckle.  Why were my pockets so small?  Did I gain weight AND grow taller?  I get to the latrine and was mortified...they were women's pants.  Holy buckets, I grabbed my roommate's pants, not my own.

I went down to the lake to meet Nick, struggling to walk every step.

"Nick, can I tell you a secret?"
"What, Dad?"
"I'm wearing your Mom's pants."
"Really?"

After Nick jumped into the lake, he realized that he needed his long sleeved shirt and long pants for his swimming merit badge.  They were going to learn how to make flotation devices for Life Saving.  He forgot them and I volunteered to go back to camp and get them out of his tent.  I grunted and shuffled to camp to get his stuff.  With camp empty of Boy Scouts, I dropped the pants to see the size.  The horrifying results almost made me sick.

"Nick, I have some really bad news about these pants."
"What, Dad?"
"They aren't your Mom's, they're Sarah's."
"Dad, that's not funny."
"I'm not joking."
"Oh, no."

Driving back, I finally get a cell in Elizabeth and I call home.

"Hello."
"I don't know how to explain this, but I am wearing Sarah's pants."
"John, that's not funny."
"I know it's not funny, but it's true."
"You can't tell Sarah."

I knew I couldn't tell Sarah.  How upsetting would it be if, as a teenage girl, you found out that your 40 plus year old, 240 plus pound Dad was wearing your pants?!?  I focused the entire way home...please be asleep when I get home, Sarah, please be asleep...

I walk in the door and who is there to greet me?   My first born, Sarah.  My wonderful, sweet child.  I would never do anything to hurt her.  She is such a great kid - never gets into trouble, great grades, helps out around the house...

"How was the camping trip, Dad?"
"I'M WEARING YOUR PANTS!"

Rare hAir

Hmmm.  Yup, that's right.  Michael Jordan sporting a Hitler mustache.  I can't for the life of me understand why.  EVERYONE knows that's a Hitler mustache.  There's no mistaking it.  Oh sure, he might have been able to get away with calling it a Chaplin mustache - BEFORE HITLER TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! 

Why wouldn't someone at Hanes say, "Uh, Mike, uh, you can't be in our commercial with a Hitler mustache.  It might offend most of the free world."  Maybe no one noticed.  No one noticed his Hitler mustache.  I could be wrong.  Maybe the Hanes guy did try to talk to him.  Maybe he left him a voice mail:

"Uh, Mike, hey, it's Chad from Hanes.  Hey, we were knocking around some ideas about the new commercial we're filming next month.  We're struggling in the southern U.S. markets and north central Europe.  If you have any ideas that might help us gain market share in those areas, we'd be sure to listen.  Your idea adding Charlie Sheen to the previous spots was stellar.  Anyway, let me know if you need anything.  Holla!"

Camping Sports - Episode 3 - Singing Songs to Chad's Stories

Singing Songs to Chad's Stories is a game that started a few years ago.  The basic premise is that there is a group of campers - late at night, watching the fire - bored.  Everyone starts to tell stories, eventually Chad tells a story, generally about Gwen or the Marine Corps Ball.

At this point, it is hard to explain.  But I'll do my best.  Here goes...

Chad: The other night I saw these girls...
Kilzer: Girls, girls, girls!
Chad: Anyway, I was driving my Mazda...
Regan: Whose gonna drive you home?  Tonight...
Chad: OK.  We went around this curve...
Kilzer:  Round and Round, what goes around, comes around, I'll tell you why...
Regan: Weak.  He said 'around', not 'round.'
Chad: Right, it was weak.
Regan: Continue, Chad...

No points, no scores.  Just drunken fun.  Out of all of the Camping Sports, this by far is my favorite.

Camping Sports; Episode One Part 2

The Camping Masters

The Camping Masters is traditionaly played on the last day of camping.  There are at least two players and one Course Manager.  I have assumed the role of Course Manager over the years, mostly because I enjoy making the course as difficult as possible.

Rules are simple - Match Play by hole.  Players must get the ball within a club's length of the hole.  Actually hitting the hole is better than a club length.  Holes can be halved.  Course begins and ends at the firepit.  Chad must be observed at all times, he can't remember his strokes (I bet he did last night, though!).  Winner gets a picture on The Stump.

There are normally many arguments and foul language.  The Kilzer Rule was adopted recently where a player can replace a horribly damaged ball - but only once during the game.

The most famous Camping Masters was actually on the news.  The video is no longer up, but that was a cool day.

Everyone loves the Camping Masters.  The pine beetle infestation in Summit County has put the Masters on hold.  There was a tournament in Deckers last year - it just wasn't the same.  Stupid pine beetles...

Go back to Oregon, bitchez!

(go back to oregon, slutz!)




Unfortunately to that 'lady' from Oregon - she has no idea the wrath that is about to come down upon her.



I'll have you know that it is a Colorado law that if you establish residency in the State of Colorado - for longer than 29 days - you must register your vehicle with the state. Thus, get Colorado plates. I have travelled to many states in my 42 years - but I have never, NEVER littered in a state that I have not lived in for at least a month...Oregon Lady, you are costing our Colorado children P.E. in our schools; you should be ashamed.



Next, Oregon sucks. As of today, I will now have to be a CU fan - since they are going to the PAC-10. That makes me hate you even more.



Next, Ted Bundy killed a chick in Corvallis. Too bad it wasn't you.



Next again, looks like your own people think Oreganders can't drive.



Other people think Oregon sucks.



Here's a bad YouTube video about how Oregon sucks. Sucks so bad there's no audio....



Bottom line is - I don't care what you do on my highway. I don't care what you throw out your window. Just don't mess with my husband.

RIP - "Coach"

Coach John Wooden passed away today.  You might have seen a blurb on the net or a story on ESPN.

Most of my blogs have had some sort of humor attached to them.  Today, I am truly sad.  I never met Coach Wooden, however, I have a copy of his book in my possession.  I even gave my original copy that I bought to Dave Liken.

John Wooden was probably the most genuine and impressive leader I have ever studied.  Lincoln, Jefferson, Brown (Paul), Walsh (Bill) and Reagan - all pale in comparison.

A good friend told me this week that my blogs were written like I talk, 'full of bullshit.'

I will recommend one thing to the three people that read these words.

There is one of many books that John Wooden has written, this one with Steve Jamison;
Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections on and Off the Court

If you have anything to do in leadership, management or family direction - I highly recommend this book.  It is short and a quick read.  I challenge you to find any leadership reference that is more impactful.

Thanks very much Coach.  You will be missed, but your legacy will continue.

True Camping Necessities - 2010

After well over 10 years of camping, I have acquired the knowledge of the "True Camping Necessities."  Although, some items we might think are necessary; e.g. a pitching wedge; they aren't always.  TCNs include: the air mattress, the griddle and the li'l brown camp table.  Mind you, these are only examples.  Every season, we add to the list of the TCNs -  like the Canopy (which this year provided a special use for Chad.  [gross, don't even think that...it was very windy in Moab and the canopy kept his tent from flying into the Fiery Furnace]).  In 2010, I gained three new TCNs.

The Saucepan

The saucepan, or pot, was used to make coffee on the camping stove in Moab.  We realized that it was a TCN on a recent camping trip to Deckers and we tried to boil water in an empty Captain Morgan bottle.  The easy part was emptying the bottle the night before, the hard part was boiling the water.  Never happened.  I made a 50 mile round trip to get the proper gear to boil water for coffee.  TCN, for sure.

The Windproof Lighter

I got a windproof bic lighter for Xmas ("Never X-out Christ!").  I realized that we needed it in Moab to light the only fire we had.  It worked very well ("Oh, Jack can talk Thai - Jack talk Thai very well!").   This last trip, poor Kilzer tried to light the fire with a standard thumb lighter.  Ouch!  Bring on the windproof lighter!


The Hatchet

The hatchet that Kilzer purchased on a whim was deemed a TCM also this year.  Drunk guys chopping wood for the fire?  Please, what could be more fun!

Camping Sports, Episode 2

ROCK!

ROCK! is a very simple, albeit complex camping game.  Hardware: Rocks, body of water.  Software: Campers (People are ALWAYS software, mind you).  Participants head to the body of water and decide on final scoring for winning.  Normally, it is 3 times the number of players rounded up to the nearest number divisible by 5, not exceeding 10.  So, in other words, 10 is the final score for winning ROCK! 

Players initially walk along the shoreline, looking for rocks suitable for 'skipping.'

As soon as all players find a good rock, they proceed to 'skip' the rock across the body of water.  The player with the most skips, gets one point.  If there is a dispute in regards to the number of skips, a consensus is made.  If this cannot be done, the round is redone.

Once a player gains a point, they have the advantage.  The players slowly walk the shoreline and the most recent point winner yells, "ROCK!" when they are ready to select and skip a rock.  Fortunately for the 'caller,' they are looking for rocks to skip - that is the advantage.  When the caller yells, 'ROCK!,' all players must immediately stop and select a rock within a 'bending down radius,' to skip.  Points are made, score is kept and the game continues until a player scores 10 wins.

ROCK! is fun.  Winner - of course - gets a pose on The Stump.

ROCK! is a social sport, rarely combined with alcohol; but routinely combined with cigar smoking.  Normally, ROCK! is played at sunset - after Camping Golf and before Singing Songs to Chad's Stories.

Target Sugar Cookies, eat one Fitty...

You know those sugar cookies you get at Target?  They come 10 to a pack, they have a colored icing and sprinkles?  Chalky at first, but delicious in the end?  180 calories each. Yup, serving size - one. Really? One cookie? Who eats one cookie?  Not 50 Cent, looks like.

  Anyway, I think he should have a whole pack.  He looks like Dave Chappelle.  Get him some grape drink as well.

Sports and Rec Manager's Camping Sports Part One, Episode One

Greetings, City Folk!   I'm "Regan" (the fatter guy on the left - 8 years ago.  Still true today.)  Many years ago, I was chosen by a higher power to be the manager of sports and recreation during every camping trip.  Please understand that there are many levels of management in camping...Sports and Rec, Food and Beverage, Human Resources, Security, Animal Control...many levels. 
Anyway, my responsibility from the beginning, was to make the 'down time' in camping fun.  It is a lot of pressure, I'll tell you.  From entertaining a 2 person campsite to a 4 person campsite, difficult indeed.   Also understand that the rules of each game change, considering time of sunlight left, number of campers involved, equipment brought and of course - amount of liquor portaged.

Sport number one, Golf.  Golf in camping is pretty intense.  Merely typing the word 'golf,' making it connected to camping, is very moving.

There are three types of camping golf.  Camping Golf, The Camping Masters and BattleGolf.

Camping Golf is probably the single most important event ever created in Camping Sports and Recreation.  I could put a poll up, but I am sure that the comments later would agree.  I will try and describe it to lay-people (that's what she said) - but the only way to understand Camping Golf, is to participate...

Camping Golf is simple.  Two shooters at the 'target,' another camper.  With the addition of another camper, a 'judge.'  Shooters try to hit the target with golf wiffle balls and a pitching wedge.  Note - the Target cannot move as the wiffle ball is heading towards him, if so, the target must take a straight shot of Captain Morgan.  Points are subtracted for hitting the ball in the fire pit or hitting the judge (if 4 players warrant).  Warrant?  Did you expect a Cherry Pie link?  {Get your own link, bitchez! (get your own link, slutz!)}  Anyway, the end of each round concludes with shots.  Everyone takes a 'social' shot, but the loser of the round takes his own shot.  I might add that the shot glasses are normally a 2 oz shot glass, with half Wild Cherry Pepsi and half Captain Morgan.  Also, please be present at the shot pouring.   If you are picking up your wiffle balls while the shots are being poured - you will not have chosen wisely.  Just like you never left your tray at lunch in Junior High, never leave your shot glass if it's being poured by the Sports and Recreation Manager.  That means you, Chad!
After a couple of frames, a winner is chosen - of that round.  Everyone gets a turn, it is basically a single elimination tournament.   I know what you're thinking.  That's a lot of rum.  Regan, what is the strategy?  Really? A strategy?  OK, here goes - try to play in the first round and win.  Less shots.  Then, be the judge (you pour the shots, thus less shots and yours are weaker).  Get to the final round and hope that your less drunkeness can afford you a victory and a place on the Stump.

That brings me to the Stump.  The Stump is the pinnacle of athletic prowess.  If you reach the Stump.  You are at a place that fewer the .0000001 percent of the population of the world have EVER been.

Right, the Stump.  I believe that most campers have reached the Stump at one point or another.  I think that the most important Stump appearance is the last one.  Who remembers who was on the Stump two times ago?  Right, no one.  You remember if you were on the Stump last...  The Stump is Lord Stanley's Cup, the Lombardi Trophy, the Larry O'Brian Trophy and the Commissioner's Trophy all rolled up into one.  It is the single most important milestone in any athlete's career.

I think this might be enough for this episode.  Camping sports is intense and hard to conquer.  Next up...the Camping Masters and BattleGolf.

R.I.P. Ronnie...1942-2010

In 1987, my Dead Best Friend, Ed told me that he had tickets to a show at Sandstone and wanted to know if I wanted to go.  He always asked me to do stuff like that because I had the car.  Mmmm, my first car.  1976 Pontiac Grand Prix - with T-tops....

That isn't an actual picture of my car.  I am not sure if any actually exist.  If they do, I'm pretty sure that I had a mullet, too.

Anyway, Ed had tickets to see this band Dio.  I had no idea who Dio was, but Ed informed me that Dio was none other than Ronnie F'ing James Dio

and he was in Black Sabbath after Ozzy got kicked out.  He was going to kick our ass and we were going to have a blast.

Now understand that I was not a big Heavy Metal fan in high school.  I liked Huey Lewis and the News, Whodini and Herbie Hancock.  (Still do...)

Went to the concert and Ed was right.  I was totally blown away.  When Ronnie took that fake sword and killed the demon...I was hooked.  That was the summer that my music tastes changed. 

I started listening to Metallica, Van Halen and others.  One of the greatest concert events of my life was Monsters of Rock.  Kingdom Come, Metallica, Dokken, Scorpions and Van Halen.  If you click on the previous link, Wikipedia will have a single sentence blurb about the food fight at Arrowhead Stadium.  I'll never forget it.  It was totally true.  60,000 people had a food fight.  Super cool.

Anyway, for many years I had a Dio poster up in my room.  Yes, it was upside down.  How else could you read "DEVIL?"

Thank you Ronnie James Dio for your personal impact in my musical life.  You were never Ozzy's replacement.  You will always just be, Dio.

Two things I love - TMZ and the ellipsis...

OK, I'm not a big Matt Lauer fan.  Couldn't care less.  I am a big fan of celebrity gossip shows though.  TMZ is my favorite.  I record it every day.  Mind numbing garbage that keeps me from playing Modern Warfare 2.  This story does fascinate me though...



Is it me, or does that chick look like a man?  And I'm not talking about Dionne Warwick, either...

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that Whitney Houston's sister's name was Gwen...

As for the ellipsis...a pause for melancholy longing...

Notice no links today...I hope they were missed...

Perfect Food Combo V. 1.5

I sent out an email a couple of months ago to my 4 friends describing the "Urban S'More."  This simple recipe had 2 ingredients - 2 Chips Ahoy cookies and one unsuspecting marshmallow.  Put these guys in the microwave for about 20 seconds - and there you have it.  The Urban S'More.  My invention, patent pending.  Cam responds with some flap about "That's a blog!"  Similar to George's, "That's the show!"  Right, a show about nothing - hence this blog.  "Hence" is 10 points in Scrabble.  Love the Scrabble.  In junior high Spanish class, I learned how to play Scrabble in Spanish.  There was only one "q" and one "n" with a tilde.  You would think that there would be more tilded ns (why no quotations?  I don't know.  Ask my Mom)  in the Spanish version of Scrabble.

Anyway, I decided to interject some of what I would call "Perfect Foods" into my blog.  Some you can make in seconds, some you will need an upright smoker, some hickory wood and some meat that is extremely tough.

Tonight's episode is very easy.  I'll call it "Cleveland's Chip and Dip."

Get a bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal.
Get a tub of Duncan Hines Milk Chocolate Cake Frosting.

Dip and enjoy.

For an historical substitute called "Richmond's Chip and Dip:"

Get a bowl of Golden Grahams.
Get a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

Dip and enjoy.

99 problems and a Mom ain't one...

    My mom always wanted to live in Montana.  I'm pretty sure why.  Living most of her life in Kansas City, Montana seems like a pretty cool place.  I think she would have liked Denver, though.  If you include the Mother's Day that she was pretty much out of it, it's been 20 years.  My mom passed away in 1990 from the evil, fucking (sorry Cam's nephew in the future reading this blog if Uncle Cameron's blog is still linked to mine) cancer.  She died pretty young, 46.  But, her last 8 or nine years were pretty school.
    After she divorced my Dad (yay!), she went back to school and got her Master's in Education.  Eventually, she taught junior high English.  Good for her - bad for me.  Do you know how hard it is to write a term paper that has to be graded twice?  I remember one time I had to write 10 pages about Falstaff (no, not that Falstaff - this one) for a Brit Lit class and after I printed it on my dot matrix printer (the Atari 800 was my computer) and the computer went down and my 5.25" floppy disk (no link, bastards) didn't save right.  Anyway, I had to start over and she helped me write the paper all over again, with footnotes.  Pretty cool memory.
     She was so well respected and revered in her peer group, that the school that she taught at started a creative writing award contest in her honor.  This will be the 20th year that this will be going on.  The principal told me recently that next year there will be middle school kids participating that their parents participated as well.  Pretty cool, too.
     So, my mom taught me a couple of important things in life that I subscribe to, even today.  #1 - "A man with a hard on has no conscience."  Totally true.  Try it out if you don't believe me.  #2 - "Carpe Diem."  Seize the day.  Don't procrastinate, blah, blah, blah.  And finally, "People like hearing their own name, say it."  I try to use that one a lot.  I think it has helped me create relationships with people.  Someone told me a couple of months ago that I was the "Dr. Doolittle of People."  I thought it was funny at the time, even made fun of it.  Probably true though.
    Words of advice from this normally funny blog?  Just call your Mom.  If you have had some problems in the past, doesn't matter - just call her to say, "Hi."
    Gramps taught me, "Gas, Ass or Grass - no one rides for free."  But that's a different post.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

I understand, David Wallace...

A couple of months ago, Nick was selected to play in the Jefferson County Jazz Band.  He was very apprehensive, so I had a close friend try to talk him into joining the band.  After this friend told Nick about all of the cool field trips involved - going to other schools, getting pulled out of class and spending all day playing the bass.  Eventually, Nick decided to join.  Today, I got my first opportunity to watch him play with this band.  I have felt, for a while, that I was forcing him to practice his bass...getting him off Modern Warfare 2 and 'plugged in.'  But when I was watching him today, playing "Louie, Louie," I almost cried.  I called him later in the day and told how super proud I was of him.  He said, "Maybe someday, Dad, we can work together."  If only..Click here...

Mike Kilzer, a good husband - I'll let you know...

One chilly and windy night in the Utah high desert, three campers - full of what Chad would call 'truth serum' - played a game of "F," Marry, Kill.  For those of you unfamiliar with the game, a person is given three choices and they must honestly answer who they would sleep with, who they would marry and who they would kill - and why.

Earlier in the night, Mike shared personal information about how he and I had an 'unhealthy' relationship.  This was based on a mutual friend's observation.  Later on in the trip, 'unhealthy' was changed to 'toxic'.  I prefer 'toxic' - it's funnier and Chad came up with it.  Whenever Chad comes up with something funny - it must be kept.  I believe that our toxic relationship is based on all of the bad advice the Mike has given me over the years.  I have been totally oblivious to this toxicity, by the way.  Mike and I have been through some pretty harrowing circumstances throughout our friendship.  The first disturbing image that flashes in my memory was the most physically demanding day in my life.  I'll just say stump grinder and leave it at that.

Back to the game, Mike was given three choices - I am cloudy at the first - I think it was Chad, but it may have been Corey; Cameron and Me.  I knew exactly what Mike was going to choose - F Chad (duh!), Kill me (to put me out of my misery) and Marry Cameron (again, duh!).  To everyone at the Devil's Garden Campsite's surprise, Mike chose to kill Cameron and Marry me.  Flattered at first, I had to throw the BS Napkin.  Please, Marry me?  What dumb fool would choose that?  An overweight, sarcastic, depressed, Father of three?  Everyone was dumbfounded and in disbelief.  Then Mike plead his case and all I remember is that he said I was a good cook.  Again flattered, but how can I be sure that Mr. Non-Committal would commit?  I would have the satisfaction that the only other option to Marry would be Cameron, but he's dead - Mike Killed him. 

I have had a couple of days to think about it, and well Mike, I accept.  You will however, have to help out more around the house...

Moab Revisited...Again

This was the third time I've been to Moab.  The lady on the GPS calls it "Mobe."  It's funny, she only says it once - the whole trip.  Mobe.  Cracks me up every time.  Unfortuately, I have to drive 5 hours to hear it.  Everytime I've been to Mobe, there has been some sort of weather issue.  Last year, it was 101 degrees at 9 a.m.  This year, it was the wind.  75 mph gusts and 50 mph sustained wind for most of Wednesday.  It was so windy, I had sand on my thighs - and I was wearing jeans!  The wind actually pushed the sand through the Wranglers.  I had to floss sand out of my teeth.

Anyway, it was a good time for the most part.  I'll put pictures on another post.  There are plenty of stories the I will post later...a very interesting story about a recent online purchase that Chad made that cost $70...

Id, Ego, Super-Ego...Marshall, Slim Shady, Eminem

Freud proposed that the human psyche could be divided into three parts: ego, super-ego, and id.

I find it pretty interesting that the entertainer that we know as Eminem has released albums based on these three parts of the psyche; Slim Shady, Marshall Mathers and Eminem - in that order.   Is this too deep for you?

The "id" acts as according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or unpleasure aroused by increases in instinctual tension. 

The Slim Shady LP, according to Billboard Magazine, Eminem "realized his musical ambitions were the only way to escape his unhappy life".

The Ego acts according to the reality principle.

The Marshall Mathers LP was released in 2000.  On this album was the single, "Stan," (which samples Dido's "Thank You"), Eminem attempts to deal with his new-found fame, taking on the persona of a deranged fan who kills himself and his pregnant girlfriend, mirroring a song, "Bonnie and Clyde," which was on The Slim Shady LP.

The Super-ego aims for perfection.

Eminem's next album, The Eminem Show was released in 2002.  It featured the single "Without Me", an apparent sequel to "The Real Slim Shady", in which he makes derogatory comments about boy bands, Limp Bizkit, Moby, blah, blah, blah. The Eminem Show was certified diamond by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Selling over 10 million in the United States and well over 20 million worldwide.

Eminem...real, or created by some BS guy Andre Young and some other white guys to try and socialize gangster rap in the late 90's?

I don't know.  I like it - it the potential words of my friend Kilzer, "Whatever feels good, tastes good, looks good - it must be good."

He didn't really ever say that, but it sounds like he would.  Anyway, Eminem is cool.

"Hey, it's one at a time!"

I had to pick up Sarah from school today because she missed the bus.  On the way out of the parking lot, there is a roundabout.  I yield to oncoming traffic, and enter the circle behind a truck.  The guy on the right just zips into the traffic and almost hits me.  Now, I have worked like 26 days in a row.  I'm tired and cranky.  I honk and yell at the guy and he continues to move into the circle.  "It's a roundabout, you have to yield!" I yell at the moron.  Honks and yells back, "Hey, it's a roundabout - it's one at a time!"

Really, one at a time?  One at a time in a roundabout?  Explain that to me.  How would that be executed exactly?  If four cars came to the roundabout at the intersection at the same time and all wanted to go say, south - would every one stop until everyone else went south?  It doesn't make any sense.  His CYL (Car Yelling Logic) is flawed.

And by the way, even if he had no idea how a roundabout worked - THERE'S A YIELD SIGN AT EVERY ENTRY POINT!  Yield does not mean "one at a time."

Happy fourtwenty!

April 20th has long been associated with pot smokers.  Did you know that?  I had no idea.  I had always known April 20th as Hitler's Birthday.  Then a few years ago those kids shot up Columbine.  I guess April 20th has different meanings for different people in different regions.  Happy Birthday, Joey Lawrence! "Whoa!"  Happy Birthday, Muhammad.  Thanks for the Koran!  It's a pretty easy read, but don't take it on a plane.

The Dead Battery Rotten Teeth Scam

A couple of years ago I bought a Sonicare sonic toothbrush at the behest of my dentist, Dr. Wimpee.  That's his name, really, Dr. Phil Wimpee.  He's pretty cool.  He gives me nitrous just to look at my teeth.  $30 well spent.  If your dentist won't give you gas for a cleaning, he's a sadist.  Just call my own personal Dr. Phil and he'll get you hooked up - literally.  The only bad thing about him for some is that he is a Cowboys fan and he graduated from Oklahoma.  I like him anyway.  When I was in last, he told me a story about almost meeting Tiger Woods.  Super cool.

Anyway, the internal battery is going out in my Sonicare.  I think I have had the thing for about 5 years and it cost around $100.  Plus, each 6 months I have had do buy a new head (that's what she said).  They are about $15 a piece.  So, I have close to $250 invested in this thing and now it's going out.  Problem is, I love it.  It is the closest thing to George Jetson's toothbrush that you can get.  It is the best product out there - but I don't have the $100 to lay out for another one.  I suppose it really isn't a scam as the title implies, I guess I'm just pissed off that I have to start actually manually brushing my teeth again.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that I can't do near as good a job as the sonic waves - here come the cavities...

Good news is, I have a trunk full of free blue Oral-B toothbrushes and unwaxed dental floss in my car.

The always funny C-Bone

This guy always cracks me up. 
The other night we're coming home from going out to dinner.  PPYSM wants Sarah to drive the van home since she needs more hours for her learner's permit.  Sarah gets mad, and the boys immediately want to ride home in my car.  PPYSM says, "Sarah, you have to get more driving time in or you will not be able to get your license in November."  Sarah bristles, yet gets in the driver's seat of the van.  I say to Nick, "Hey, you want to know what would be really funny?  You get behind the wheel of my car, strap in, and start the engine."  Nick immediately gets in the car and starts it up.  He rolls his, now driver's side car window to PPYSM's now passenger's side van window.  "What's up?"  He says to PPYSM.  Everyone laughs.  Good times. 
Then I look around to find Christian.  There he is, standing in the parking lot of the Olive Garden with his arms folded and tears rolling down his eyes, "I'm not going if Nick is driving!"

Emotions in Music

"Walk the Line" is on tonight.  Very moving dialog in the scene when Johnny Cash is trying to get a recording contract.  His band plays a gospel song and the producer isn't crazy about it and wants to dump Johnny.  Johnny wants a chance to "bring it home."  Producer says:

"Bri'...bring it home?  Alright, let's bring it home.  If you was hit by a truck and you were lying in the gutter - dying - and you had to sing one song.  Huh?  One song people would remember before you're dirt.  One song that would let...God know what you felt about your time here on Earth.  One song that would...sum...you...up.  You telling me that's the song you'd sing?  That same Jimmy Davis tune that we hear on the radio all day?  About your 'peace within you' and how its 'real' and how you'd 'shout it?'  Or - would you sing something different.  Something real.  Something you felt.  Cuz, I'm telling you right now - that's the song that people wanna hear.  That's the kind of song that truly saves people.  It ain't got nuthin' to do with believing in God, Mr. Cash.  It has to do with believing in yourself."

Pretty powerful stuff.

I'm the Beer Bottle. See Below.

http://tweetphoto.com/18570088

Work 41610

My job has been pretty hectic this month. It really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. I often say, "This ain't Afghanistan. All we do is sell Spongebob Squarepants square plates. Relax and have some fun." This month though has been pretty important to me, though. Company decided to use my store to do some corporate training and filming and stuff. If I screw up - I'm at the end of the line. I'll be picking pineapple kikis before you know it.

I had two responsibilities. Make my store look good and make people laugh. Tears of a clown, folks, tears of a clown. See the the above pic. I'm so dumb.