True Camping Necessities - 2010

After well over 10 years of camping, I have acquired the knowledge of the "True Camping Necessities."  Although, some items we might think are necessary; e.g. a pitching wedge; they aren't always.  TCNs include: the air mattress, the griddle and the li'l brown camp table.  Mind you, these are only examples.  Every season, we add to the list of the TCNs -  like the Canopy (which this year provided a special use for Chad.  [gross, don't even think that...it was very windy in Moab and the canopy kept his tent from flying into the Fiery Furnace]).  In 2010, I gained three new TCNs.

The Saucepan

The saucepan, or pot, was used to make coffee on the camping stove in Moab.  We realized that it was a TCN on a recent camping trip to Deckers and we tried to boil water in an empty Captain Morgan bottle.  The easy part was emptying the bottle the night before, the hard part was boiling the water.  Never happened.  I made a 50 mile round trip to get the proper gear to boil water for coffee.  TCN, for sure.

The Windproof Lighter

I got a windproof bic lighter for Xmas ("Never X-out Christ!").  I realized that we needed it in Moab to light the only fire we had.  It worked very well ("Oh, Jack can talk Thai - Jack talk Thai very well!").   This last trip, poor Kilzer tried to light the fire with a standard thumb lighter.  Ouch!  Bring on the windproof lighter!


The Hatchet

The hatchet that Kilzer purchased on a whim was deemed a TCM also this year.  Drunk guys chopping wood for the fire?  Please, what could be more fun!

Camping Sports, Episode 2

ROCK!

ROCK! is a very simple, albeit complex camping game.  Hardware: Rocks, body of water.  Software: Campers (People are ALWAYS software, mind you).  Participants head to the body of water and decide on final scoring for winning.  Normally, it is 3 times the number of players rounded up to the nearest number divisible by 5, not exceeding 10.  So, in other words, 10 is the final score for winning ROCK! 

Players initially walk along the shoreline, looking for rocks suitable for 'skipping.'

As soon as all players find a good rock, they proceed to 'skip' the rock across the body of water.  The player with the most skips, gets one point.  If there is a dispute in regards to the number of skips, a consensus is made.  If this cannot be done, the round is redone.

Once a player gains a point, they have the advantage.  The players slowly walk the shoreline and the most recent point winner yells, "ROCK!" when they are ready to select and skip a rock.  Fortunately for the 'caller,' they are looking for rocks to skip - that is the advantage.  When the caller yells, 'ROCK!,' all players must immediately stop and select a rock within a 'bending down radius,' to skip.  Points are made, score is kept and the game continues until a player scores 10 wins.

ROCK! is fun.  Winner - of course - gets a pose on The Stump.

ROCK! is a social sport, rarely combined with alcohol; but routinely combined with cigar smoking.  Normally, ROCK! is played at sunset - after Camping Golf and before Singing Songs to Chad's Stories.

Target Sugar Cookies, eat one Fitty...

You know those sugar cookies you get at Target?  They come 10 to a pack, they have a colored icing and sprinkles?  Chalky at first, but delicious in the end?  180 calories each. Yup, serving size - one. Really? One cookie? Who eats one cookie?  Not 50 Cent, looks like.

  Anyway, I think he should have a whole pack.  He looks like Dave Chappelle.  Get him some grape drink as well.

Sports and Rec Manager's Camping Sports Part One, Episode One

Greetings, City Folk!   I'm "Regan" (the fatter guy on the left - 8 years ago.  Still true today.)  Many years ago, I was chosen by a higher power to be the manager of sports and recreation during every camping trip.  Please understand that there are many levels of management in camping...Sports and Rec, Food and Beverage, Human Resources, Security, Animal Control...many levels. 
Anyway, my responsibility from the beginning, was to make the 'down time' in camping fun.  It is a lot of pressure, I'll tell you.  From entertaining a 2 person campsite to a 4 person campsite, difficult indeed.   Also understand that the rules of each game change, considering time of sunlight left, number of campers involved, equipment brought and of course - amount of liquor portaged.

Sport number one, Golf.  Golf in camping is pretty intense.  Merely typing the word 'golf,' making it connected to camping, is very moving.

There are three types of camping golf.  Camping Golf, The Camping Masters and BattleGolf.

Camping Golf is probably the single most important event ever created in Camping Sports and Recreation.  I could put a poll up, but I am sure that the comments later would agree.  I will try and describe it to lay-people (that's what she said) - but the only way to understand Camping Golf, is to participate...

Camping Golf is simple.  Two shooters at the 'target,' another camper.  With the addition of another camper, a 'judge.'  Shooters try to hit the target with golf wiffle balls and a pitching wedge.  Note - the Target cannot move as the wiffle ball is heading towards him, if so, the target must take a straight shot of Captain Morgan.  Points are subtracted for hitting the ball in the fire pit or hitting the judge (if 4 players warrant).  Warrant?  Did you expect a Cherry Pie link?  {Get your own link, bitchez! (get your own link, slutz!)}  Anyway, the end of each round concludes with shots.  Everyone takes a 'social' shot, but the loser of the round takes his own shot.  I might add that the shot glasses are normally a 2 oz shot glass, with half Wild Cherry Pepsi and half Captain Morgan.  Also, please be present at the shot pouring.   If you are picking up your wiffle balls while the shots are being poured - you will not have chosen wisely.  Just like you never left your tray at lunch in Junior High, never leave your shot glass if it's being poured by the Sports and Recreation Manager.  That means you, Chad!
After a couple of frames, a winner is chosen - of that round.  Everyone gets a turn, it is basically a single elimination tournament.   I know what you're thinking.  That's a lot of rum.  Regan, what is the strategy?  Really? A strategy?  OK, here goes - try to play in the first round and win.  Less shots.  Then, be the judge (you pour the shots, thus less shots and yours are weaker).  Get to the final round and hope that your less drunkeness can afford you a victory and a place on the Stump.

That brings me to the Stump.  The Stump is the pinnacle of athletic prowess.  If you reach the Stump.  You are at a place that fewer the .0000001 percent of the population of the world have EVER been.

Right, the Stump.  I believe that most campers have reached the Stump at one point or another.  I think that the most important Stump appearance is the last one.  Who remembers who was on the Stump two times ago?  Right, no one.  You remember if you were on the Stump last...  The Stump is Lord Stanley's Cup, the Lombardi Trophy, the Larry O'Brian Trophy and the Commissioner's Trophy all rolled up into one.  It is the single most important milestone in any athlete's career.

I think this might be enough for this episode.  Camping sports is intense and hard to conquer.  Next up...the Camping Masters and BattleGolf.

R.I.P. Ronnie...1942-2010

In 1987, my Dead Best Friend, Ed told me that he had tickets to a show at Sandstone and wanted to know if I wanted to go.  He always asked me to do stuff like that because I had the car.  Mmmm, my first car.  1976 Pontiac Grand Prix - with T-tops....

That isn't an actual picture of my car.  I am not sure if any actually exist.  If they do, I'm pretty sure that I had a mullet, too.

Anyway, Ed had tickets to see this band Dio.  I had no idea who Dio was, but Ed informed me that Dio was none other than Ronnie F'ing James Dio

and he was in Black Sabbath after Ozzy got kicked out.  He was going to kick our ass and we were going to have a blast.

Now understand that I was not a big Heavy Metal fan in high school.  I liked Huey Lewis and the News, Whodini and Herbie Hancock.  (Still do...)

Went to the concert and Ed was right.  I was totally blown away.  When Ronnie took that fake sword and killed the demon...I was hooked.  That was the summer that my music tastes changed. 

I started listening to Metallica, Van Halen and others.  One of the greatest concert events of my life was Monsters of Rock.  Kingdom Come, Metallica, Dokken, Scorpions and Van Halen.  If you click on the previous link, Wikipedia will have a single sentence blurb about the food fight at Arrowhead Stadium.  I'll never forget it.  It was totally true.  60,000 people had a food fight.  Super cool.

Anyway, for many years I had a Dio poster up in my room.  Yes, it was upside down.  How else could you read "DEVIL?"

Thank you Ronnie James Dio for your personal impact in my musical life.  You were never Ozzy's replacement.  You will always just be, Dio.

Two things I love - TMZ and the ellipsis...

OK, I'm not a big Matt Lauer fan.  Couldn't care less.  I am a big fan of celebrity gossip shows though.  TMZ is my favorite.  I record it every day.  Mind numbing garbage that keeps me from playing Modern Warfare 2.  This story does fascinate me though...



Is it me, or does that chick look like a man?  And I'm not talking about Dionne Warwick, either...

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that Whitney Houston's sister's name was Gwen...

As for the ellipsis...a pause for melancholy longing...

Notice no links today...I hope they were missed...

Perfect Food Combo V. 1.5

I sent out an email a couple of months ago to my 4 friends describing the "Urban S'More."  This simple recipe had 2 ingredients - 2 Chips Ahoy cookies and one unsuspecting marshmallow.  Put these guys in the microwave for about 20 seconds - and there you have it.  The Urban S'More.  My invention, patent pending.  Cam responds with some flap about "That's a blog!"  Similar to George's, "That's the show!"  Right, a show about nothing - hence this blog.  "Hence" is 10 points in Scrabble.  Love the Scrabble.  In junior high Spanish class, I learned how to play Scrabble in Spanish.  There was only one "q" and one "n" with a tilde.  You would think that there would be more tilded ns (why no quotations?  I don't know.  Ask my Mom)  in the Spanish version of Scrabble.

Anyway, I decided to interject some of what I would call "Perfect Foods" into my blog.  Some you can make in seconds, some you will need an upright smoker, some hickory wood and some meat that is extremely tough.

Tonight's episode is very easy.  I'll call it "Cleveland's Chip and Dip."

Get a bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal.
Get a tub of Duncan Hines Milk Chocolate Cake Frosting.

Dip and enjoy.

For an historical substitute called "Richmond's Chip and Dip:"

Get a bowl of Golden Grahams.
Get a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

Dip and enjoy.

99 problems and a Mom ain't one...

    My mom always wanted to live in Montana.  I'm pretty sure why.  Living most of her life in Kansas City, Montana seems like a pretty cool place.  I think she would have liked Denver, though.  If you include the Mother's Day that she was pretty much out of it, it's been 20 years.  My mom passed away in 1990 from the evil, fucking (sorry Cam's nephew in the future reading this blog if Uncle Cameron's blog is still linked to mine) cancer.  She died pretty young, 46.  But, her last 8 or nine years were pretty school.
    After she divorced my Dad (yay!), she went back to school and got her Master's in Education.  Eventually, she taught junior high English.  Good for her - bad for me.  Do you know how hard it is to write a term paper that has to be graded twice?  I remember one time I had to write 10 pages about Falstaff (no, not that Falstaff - this one) for a Brit Lit class and after I printed it on my dot matrix printer (the Atari 800 was my computer) and the computer went down and my 5.25" floppy disk (no link, bastards) didn't save right.  Anyway, I had to start over and she helped me write the paper all over again, with footnotes.  Pretty cool memory.
     She was so well respected and revered in her peer group, that the school that she taught at started a creative writing award contest in her honor.  This will be the 20th year that this will be going on.  The principal told me recently that next year there will be middle school kids participating that their parents participated as well.  Pretty cool, too.
     So, my mom taught me a couple of important things in life that I subscribe to, even today.  #1 - "A man with a hard on has no conscience."  Totally true.  Try it out if you don't believe me.  #2 - "Carpe Diem."  Seize the day.  Don't procrastinate, blah, blah, blah.  And finally, "People like hearing their own name, say it."  I try to use that one a lot.  I think it has helped me create relationships with people.  Someone told me a couple of months ago that I was the "Dr. Doolittle of People."  I thought it was funny at the time, even made fun of it.  Probably true though.
    Words of advice from this normally funny blog?  Just call your Mom.  If you have had some problems in the past, doesn't matter - just call her to say, "Hi."
    Gramps taught me, "Gas, Ass or Grass - no one rides for free."  But that's a different post.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

I understand, David Wallace...

A couple of months ago, Nick was selected to play in the Jefferson County Jazz Band.  He was very apprehensive, so I had a close friend try to talk him into joining the band.  After this friend told Nick about all of the cool field trips involved - going to other schools, getting pulled out of class and spending all day playing the bass.  Eventually, Nick decided to join.  Today, I got my first opportunity to watch him play with this band.  I have felt, for a while, that I was forcing him to practice his bass...getting him off Modern Warfare 2 and 'plugged in.'  But when I was watching him today, playing "Louie, Louie," I almost cried.  I called him later in the day and told how super proud I was of him.  He said, "Maybe someday, Dad, we can work together."  If only..Click here...

Mike Kilzer, a good husband - I'll let you know...

One chilly and windy night in the Utah high desert, three campers - full of what Chad would call 'truth serum' - played a game of "F," Marry, Kill.  For those of you unfamiliar with the game, a person is given three choices and they must honestly answer who they would sleep with, who they would marry and who they would kill - and why.

Earlier in the night, Mike shared personal information about how he and I had an 'unhealthy' relationship.  This was based on a mutual friend's observation.  Later on in the trip, 'unhealthy' was changed to 'toxic'.  I prefer 'toxic' - it's funnier and Chad came up with it.  Whenever Chad comes up with something funny - it must be kept.  I believe that our toxic relationship is based on all of the bad advice the Mike has given me over the years.  I have been totally oblivious to this toxicity, by the way.  Mike and I have been through some pretty harrowing circumstances throughout our friendship.  The first disturbing image that flashes in my memory was the most physically demanding day in my life.  I'll just say stump grinder and leave it at that.

Back to the game, Mike was given three choices - I am cloudy at the first - I think it was Chad, but it may have been Corey; Cameron and Me.  I knew exactly what Mike was going to choose - F Chad (duh!), Kill me (to put me out of my misery) and Marry Cameron (again, duh!).  To everyone at the Devil's Garden Campsite's surprise, Mike chose to kill Cameron and Marry me.  Flattered at first, I had to throw the BS Napkin.  Please, Marry me?  What dumb fool would choose that?  An overweight, sarcastic, depressed, Father of three?  Everyone was dumbfounded and in disbelief.  Then Mike plead his case and all I remember is that he said I was a good cook.  Again flattered, but how can I be sure that Mr. Non-Committal would commit?  I would have the satisfaction that the only other option to Marry would be Cameron, but he's dead - Mike Killed him. 

I have had a couple of days to think about it, and well Mike, I accept.  You will however, have to help out more around the house...